overeater anonymous
Hey y’all, my name is Jessica and I used to be a chronic over eater.
It began as a body thang like most eating disorders do.
The tabloids told me I should be thinner, my sister told me I had cellulite on the back of my thighs, and my mother told me she used bulimia as a teenager to keep weight off.
If this is any different than how you were raised, bless you and your lucky heart. But, at some point, most girls come across something or someone that tells them the way they are is not ok.
Too fat, too thin, too round, too saggy, too many wrinkles, too small of lips, too big of lips, too much booty, too little booty, too stick framed, too hourglass framed, too much hair, not enough hair, no hair there!
ughh it gets exhausting
As a young girl it was all I could do to find and stand in my own beauty, and finally I gave in to bulimia as a way to stop the raging discomfort inside of me.
Food was comfort. It was a quick fix to take my mind off of anything that I didn’t want to face or feel.
Long after I gave up bulimia and believed myself to be cured I realized that I was still in the midst of an eating disorder. Overeating without the purging.
Maybe my teeth were back on track to health and my shame was lessening but the underlying problem was still there. I was still using food to cover up feeling.
Here are some of the small identifiers I found that allowed me to see I was still knee deep in an eating disorder:
I found I was rewarding myself and punishing myself with food- im sad my boyfriend moved away so I binge until it hurts for 3 days and then get back on track
I used ¨diets¨ to cover up my fear of having too many options to eat- I was vegan, vegetarian, GF, pescatarian, etc.
I saw myself using the many excuses of disordered eating-I’ll just have salad, I’m not hungry, no desert for me, I already ate, I don’t eat much, I’ll drink booze instead
The moment things started to shift in my disordered eating was the moment I started listening to my body. It was when I finally felt my sadness, my anger, and my jealousy instead of eating them away. Feeling led me to develop my own empowered definition of ¨beauty¨.
Do I ever want to crawl back into the safety of food instead of dealing with my issues? Hell yes. But these days, when I find myself in strife and my body automatically starts searching the cabinets or fridge while my mind races around I have a moment of clarity. I remember, I know this place. I have been here so many many times, and everytime the avoidance of the issue paired with overeating does not end well. So I put the chips away and I face my shit. I feel my shit. And the insurmountable dissolves into the manageable.
There are many reasons why a woman may have disordered eating. One, I believe, is the subservience to ¨beauty¨. The fashion, cosmetic, diet, and ad agencies make big $$$$ on the representation of what a woman should look like and what beauty is.
When really…REALLY REALLY REALLY there is no one way a woman is supposed to look.
Women are meant to come in all different shapes, lengths, and widths. All sizes, colors, and aromas. and to have one boxed idealization of ¨beauty¨ is ridiculous.
Another reason why disordered eating plagues so many of us is that we are not taught how to feel and subsequently express our emotions and feelings in a safe ¨socially acceptable¨ manner. So we eat instead of feel.
If you are a mother you know..you don’t want the kid to throw a fit in public, but when you really pop a squat and look at the situation, that is them expressing themselves. Going into the dilemma of how to raise kids with the proper emotional bandwidth but without going crazy yourself I will save for another post.
For now, just know
Feeling may not always be the easiest but it is freedom
Your beauty is your own
Your definition of beauty doesn’t have to be like any body else’s
You got this sister
I am not an eating disorder specialist, please seek professional help if you need it. Eating disorders are no joke. RESOURCE HERE
