Fabulous Ferocity
Who has ever said or done things they didnt mean?
Who has ever said or done things they didn’t mean and then felt guilty and ashamed for having said/done them?
It happens!
With kids, partners, co-workers. Sometimes shit oozes out and you wish it never had.
But even worse than letting your ooze slip out is bottling it up, shoving it down, and pretending it doesn’t exist.
I felt wronged the other day when, after handing a task over to my partner, i received subtle patronizing comments and waves of irritation.
I kept my mouth shut for a moment until we had finished the task. But i could feel my blood boiling, my throat was catching, and anger coursed through me.
When we had finished i could bear it no longer. I spoke up and out and tears started falling. He felt wronged and i felt wronged and i began to yell. I wanted to throw something at him i was so fired up. I slammed the door and screamed and cussed and threw some crude hand gestures at him just for good measure.
As i made it to my truck, intent on escaping, i had a moment of clarity. The ferocity of my emotions had petered out and i knew that we both had a part to play in the escalation.
So i grudgingly slammed my truck door, opened my heart, and walked back inside.
I said sorry for the part i had played. I knew where he had thrown up his own armour and I apologised for not doing things differently.
We both softened and he apologised as well.
….
Lately it seems i don’t hold much back. I say whats on my mind and my heart. I express what i need to in order to be understood and heard. This is HUGE for a gal who used to bottle everything up inside until my body forced me to listen with dis-ease and dis-content.
And maybe sometimes i take it too far.
Hey, i am hella not perfect and still learning how to express in a manner that fits me.
Years of silence and suppression has me at times screaming and cussing and hysterically crying.
Its called discharge. Letting it all come up and surfing the waves as it goes.
I am extremely fortunate to have a partner who knows my fire and is strong enough to hold me in it.
I feel safe enough to discharge with him present.
….
So! What does all this mean for you?
Next time you are feeling a fiery ferocity bubbling up and desiring to come out, here are a few things to consider:
~Maybe you aren’t in a place where discharging is socially acceptable, do not shove her back down and forget! Take yourself to a closet, your car, a park..etc and rage away.
~If finding a safe space to discharge is not possible in the moment. Make a memo and circle back to these bubbling emotions later. Feel them!
~ If you do not feel safe to express with others you are not alone. Rage can be fearsome to witness in your own body, let alone share it with another human. We, as women, have been taught to be meek and small, to be the peace makers and the level headed princess. But our rage is sacred and our rage is our power. Here are a few questions to ask yourself in regards to expressing with another body:
Do you have a friend, coach, or family member, not involved in the present situation, that you feel safe enough to share with?
Do you have a journal that can be witness?
Do you have enough compassion to hold yourself in these charged times?
Lastly, remember that discharge does not mean taking your anger out on anybody else, physically or otherwise. Like i did in the example above, taking yourself out of the situation to discharge is wholly important. And in those moments when crude things slip out of your mouth a sincere apology does wonders.
Keep feeling all those hard feels my friends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
