Meditative Bliss?
I just came back from a 5 day Vipassana esque retreat. Following is my experience in all its exquisiteness and all its terror.
When i first found out about this experience I jumped to sign up before it got filled up. I had never done anything like this before and the price point was killer.
The days leading up to the retreat were filled with anticipation and some sadness. I had realized after signing up I would miss my kids jogathon. Knowing that my eldest only had next year left to participate(5th grade) my heart broke a bit but I decided to follow through with my plans.
I picked up a honeybear hitchhiker for the drive up to the mountains. An astrologer and a storyteller, he kept me in constant listening. We arrived an hour early and split up at the separate dormitories, male/female.
As I unloaded and met some of my fellow flat mates I became increasingly excited at the impending silence. This community I was coming into was very close and I felt like a bit of an outsider.
I took a walk and met a neighbor. His name was Dale and he stared at the conifers mulling over what kind of winter they were in for. I let him know the next time I saw him I wouldn’t make eye contact or say anything. He said he knew I wasn’t from town, ¨those assholes never say hi¨.
After dinner it was finally time to circle up and start the opening ceremony. It had begun.
That first night I silently found my way to the hot tub to stare into the old tree faces. Then I slipped into bed.
This first sitting was at 5:15 am. Not usually my cup of tea, waking up that early, but I was desirous of doing this retreat fully. All the activities that were planned were optional. It was up to our own desires and our own willpower to decide when and what to do. Reading and journaling were advised against, as well as masturbation.
Among the activities offered were yoga, nature walks, tai chi, breathwork, drum circles, ecstatic dance, soft movement, tea time, meals, cacao ceremony, and lots of group meditation. All were no eye contact and silent except for the teacher.
The first full day I was a good little student and followed the schedule, sat for 45 minutes unmoving in meditation 3 times and continuously tried to let go of my thoughts. By the end of the day when I set up for gentle movement I felt monkish. But there was a song that broke me open and I couldn’t stop crying. A realization of my youngest child’s attempts to get more attention had bubbled up and I was fraught with regret and sadness about not seeing it sooner. Instead of letting the music move me I let my body take the lead and express all that was desiring to be set free.
That night I was too exhausted to soak in the hot tub under the stars and I passed out. I dreamed of upside down lotus blossoms and a guru who said it was all the right way. The next day I began to sink into depression and silently fight the experience I had signed on for.
Hours stretched into years and everything turned into an agonizing meditation. How slowly could I move my body? How much thought could I put into this one moment? How can I fill this space? My energy wasn’t contained anymore, I let it seep into the people around me as I wondered what they were going through.
At one point a song that was being played beneath me set my tears free again and the knowing that something was wrong with my kids flared in my heart. I couldn’t stop crying and my breathing was getting out of control. My reality was all twisted with my past and my body believed because I couldn’t use my phone my girls were being taken from me all over again. I went to my bed, lay down, and talked myself into the reality of the situation. I calmed my heart and felt a bit more rational.
But from then on I silently rebelled. I allowed my body to express the best I could when I needed to. It still felt wrong. It was all wrong. I had started to bleed and I wasn’t supposed to be introspective. My legs went numb but I wasn’t supposed to move. I felt a deep loneliness but I couldn’t make contact.
My body, my mind, my soul were being quietly separated and shut into closets. I felt numb and devoid of all.
Of course there were moments that were life giving like
barefoot nature walks, the sounds of water, magical mushrooms, drawing of plants
ravens conversing like little old ladies
dancing
hidden sunsets behind layers of trees
hot tubs at dawn
sunrise up the mountain
chocolate bars and coffee and ceremony
leaning tower of meeza as I fought to stay awake during sits
dear Paul writing me a note, my first ¨conversation¨
Finally the last morning arrived and we gathered in circle. The host told us to look around and I made eye contact with every last sweet human. I began to cry and shake with pent up energy. I spoke and my voice cracked.
We had breakfast with voices and connection then gathered for a last integration circle, it was all I could do not to run the hell out of there. I was bursting to be set free. I couldn’t speak or share my experience, not at that time, when everything was so fresh and unintegrated.
When I was given the GO I took off down the mountain towards a trail, I had brought my bike and had intended to ride. But when I got to the trailhead I sat there bemused in the midst of other humans debating whether to go home or not. I finally put my shoes and helmet on, packed some snacks, and left my car. I have never climbed a hill so quickly in all my years of riding, not even when I was racing. My legs had no filter, neither did my joy. I attempted to run over every crackly leaf I could find and my route up the mountain seemed frenetic with its zigs and zags. At the top, with all the pent up tension from the last 5 days diffused, I collapsed onto the concrete and tears spilled from my eyes. I could feel again.
Looking back on the retreat, after having the time and space for reflection, I was able to piece out the layers of my experience
I realized my conditioning to the influence of authority. Even though it was my choice of what activities to do I continued to have an iron grip around my throat threatening me if I fucked up.
I experienced FOMO. My thoughts kept going to-whats every one else doing, I want to be with them
Vipassana meditation is not for me. Scanning through my body then ignoring or ¨moving on¨ when I come to tension feels wrong. I ended up feeling lifeless and numb when I didn’t acknowledge and move through what came up
Everything was too familiar. I spent 30 years ignoring my body and what she desired. I was tormented by my desire to experience this container and my desire to not revert to my old ways of being(dissociation)
trauma from my past came up and created a lot of tension
Being with people but not being with them felt unnatural. My limiting beliefs bubbled back up with being ignored-I am not enough, they don’t like me, I will stay meek and small and blend in
Hooooooooooooo letting all my air out. I’m glad I did it and I am not sure if I would do it again.
I choose to do meditation differently. By acknowledging what my body is telling me then moving into it so I can move through it I find the same presence and peace of mind. I find the pause between reactivity. I find the pleasure that oozes between and through my crevices. I find my deep feeling heart.
If you are an avid meditator and it just isn’t working for you maybe its time to switch it up. Just because your body can not sit still for 30 minutes doesn’t mean you are broken or that you wont reach enlightenment, it means you are alive.
If you are in search of some guidance to discover if an Embodied Moving Meditation is right for you, Lets Chat
