My second reckoning

Today I don’t want a reason to write, I just wanna write. I don’t want to force myself to write a blog post because its tuesday and tuesdays are when i venture out of my presence with life to commune with people of the internet.

Instead of searching through my work and figuring out what else I have to explain, today i’m just going to write.

I used to have a secret blog where I would cathartically tell all my sordid stories. Stories about the bad mama in me and the sex fiend. The woman who never slept and drove drunk too much. The lady who got to hot springs at 3 am to be alone and stare at the stars. The dreamer, who was always wishing her boyfriend wasn’t married and loved her more than his kids.

After falling off the great precipice and leaving my baby daddy I lost myself again. It was as if I had just turned 21 and moved out of my parents house.

I finally started hanging out after work with my friends(My baby daddy would shame me every time I wanted to stay out after work when we were together) and hanging out with friends from a brewery meant we drank. I had some great times those first 8 months after leaving my ex.. I met a married man and fell in love with him. I slept with a woman for the first time. I moved into an rv. I spent more time in bars than I ever did before. I began my fascination to find the best sunrise/sunset spots. I went to Thailand. I started building a non-profit. I explored Oregon with my kids.

Ya I know it all sounds great right!! But really when I look back I see I was always running from myself trying to find something more to fill me up. More sunsets. More trails to ride. More men to fuck. More booze. More drugs. More fun!

Now trying to find fun isn’t bad, but I was a little out of control. Most nights I got maybe 4 hours of sleep, and a lot of times I woke up hungover.

The August after I left my ex I went to Thailand for 2 weeks with my sister.

While I was gone my ex moved to Texas with my two kids. He stole them.

I was devastated. I was confused. I was broken. I was alone. I was in a deep dark hole.

When I got back to Oregon a man knocked on my rv door and served me custody papers. I couldn’t breathe. What did I do to deserve this? I was a great mother. A bit hungover at times. But I loved my kids. I took them camping and to the park, I made them school lunch everyday, picked them up and took them to school. I was at all their doctors appointments, all their friends bday parties. I read and sang to them. Kissed their hurts away.

There was really no good reason for ex to steal my kids. His justification was.. Bend is too expensive, you are dating a married man, and you live in an rv.

I was deep in a black ditch but I fought like my life depended on it, which really it did.

I dumped my married man so I wouldn’t be burdened with more drama. I got a second job at a sleazy bar. Then I walked into the courthouse and started filing all the paperwork myself. I was so scared. My kid’s future was in the hands of the court. Fuck that.

I got as far as I could by myself, then when my ex’s a**hole attorney pulled some shiesty moves, I hired the best attorney I could find. Her last name was Grizzle and my mother approved.

For those 3 months my kids were away from me I picked up as many shifts as I could(to pay for the court fee’s), I kept my head down, and i waited.

Meanwhile, in Texas, the girls had been completely vaxed(they were on a schedule back here). They were enrolled in a new school and Grandma had bought them a puppy.

Every call I had with them was chaperoned. I cried as the day’s slipped by and I missed my daughter’s 4th birthday, my 6 year old’s first tooth coming out, halloween, thanksgiving, and all the moment’s in between.

They had been completely brainwashed to believe ¨mommy left us¨. It was all I could do to stay sane.

Finally a court date was set. I struggled to find what to wear and what to say in front of a judge. Day of trial I go to the courthouse 2 hours early and pace in the coffee room. I say a prayer to my recently deceased Grandaddy(he was a lawyer) I asked him to bless me with all his court room juju. My ex shows up with his mother, her boyfriend, and his lawyer. I have no one with me, just the woman I payed to get my kids back.

As we settle into the courtroom and begin my ex give his paltry evidence of me as terrible mother-a picture of my messy rv with clothes on the ground(which he broke in to take!) and his words-she is dating a married man, she lives in an rv, her pipes froze..blah.

When I take the stand I start bawling uncontrollably and between my snot and tears the real story comes out. The trip to Thailand and the deliberate move while I was gone, all the time I am with the kids, and how much I am in their life.

When I am finished the judge tears into my ex, his family, and their attorney. I was too stunned to remember much but it was to the gist of..she is a good mother, this was a dirty trick, you have no right, how could you believe this would work out in your favor..

Verdict: girls must be returned to their mother withing 72 hours

I left the courtroom and the building on a high. I had done this myself. I had taken care of what needed to be taken care of. Mama Bear had came and conquered. I drove out to the desert, fell asleep in my truck, and didn’t wake up until 4 pm the next day. Relief, sweet sweet relief.

I got my kids back on Christmas morning. The most amazing gift I will every receive.

and then a couple months later the US went into quarantine. I spent all spring in Virginia with my Nanna and my mom and my girls. We were able to heal together. I was able to start over.

I found myself in my loss

As I started writing today I also found that my darkest moments were meant for me.

Who know’s what I would have gotten into if my life would have continued as it was going before my kids were stolen.

I was meant to lose them, I was meant to find them, I was meant to find me

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