Why We Numb
I used to be an exceptionally numb women. Young women at that, as I was just entering into teen years when I began my relationship with numbing.
I cant remember exactly which I found first-food or puking all the food up. Does it matter though in the end? Memories are deceiving.
After settling into puberty I started gaining weight. My mother, bless her lil heart, told me about her bulimia as a young girl(im sure her intentions were only to warn me away). I decided that was a great way to be able to eat and not gain weight. As time passed there was a tiny shift and when I look back at those days, I can see most of the time I wasnt puking as a means to get thin. I was eating and gorging and bingeing to hide my insecurities from myself and purging was the only ¨slight¨ way to relief.
As I grew into an athletic and free spirited young women I grew out of the puking. I guess I didn’t want my teeth to rot or maybe I was just tired of the shame I felt in doing it.
I did not give up the binge eating/drinking/drugs/sex. Those were all my methods of escaping from my deep pain, hurt, discomfort, unease, and all the other sensations I kept hidden away.
Finally, as I came into feminine embodiment, and started to inhabit myself more fully, I was able to let go of the majority of my numbing tactics.
I realized the food was
numbing me from feeling my deep belly sensations that help guide my way
a way to continue ¨do-ing¨ instead of feeling (eating an entire bag of chips and going over an over a problem in my mind, instead of sitting with the sensations of the problem)
a crutch and tactic to keep me invested in the same unhealthy cycles
Drinking and drugs were
bound tightly in my childhood belief that I was not enough as myself and so had to ¨change¨ into someone else
abused and misused because of my lack of boundaries
my way of dissociating from my core beliefs and sovereign choices
Sex for me was
a way to feel good about myself (someone wants me)
paired with booze mostly and an alleviation of having to be intimate and ¨real¨
It is too easy to numb out. Maybe some of these have resonated with you. Or maybe you can find your numbing outlet in the list below
ways we may numb our BIG sensations
fucking as a means to make up for something
binge eating
boozing
drugs
scrolling on social media
being continuously busy on purpose
tv
over exercising
sleeping alot alot
etc… ______ your method of numbing here
We all do it to a degree.
Numbing is how we dissociate from out body. Because our body, we feel, is unsafe, unsupportive, wrong, even because our body may be holding too much joy and we don’t have the stamina to support the feels. Numbing is conditioned in us, passed down through our families, self taught, and socially accepted.
But numbing is not a life sentence. Acknowledging you do it is truly the beginning to your own journey towards self actualization.
Beneath and just below your numbing tactics is something just waiting to get your attention. Give it a looksie. Sit with it.
If you need any assistance in feeling more vibrant, alive, and embodied. You can reach me here
