Feeling the Feels
Women have all kinds of difficulties fessing up to what they are feeling.
We have been taught that we need to be strong and not cry. Our feelings of jealousy and anger and anything ¨negative¨ are bad and wrong. We are the only ones ever in the whole world who are going through these feelings so its very shameful and best kept to ourselves. We have been taught to zip lip instead of making a scene.
Recently I went through some moments..
Yesterday was the fourth of July. I am currently in Iowa visiting my partners family and we were celebrating at his Aunts house. During the day there was an invitation to go on a boat ride and check out all the connecting lakes.
I was excited. I was also very vocal with my excitement. I was ready to live my best lake life. Bikini, white claw, sun hat..all the things. Where my children were going to be or my partner I was not worried about, I knew they would be taken care of, and maybe even on the boat with me.
Then the moment came, relatives were piling in the boat, and my partner comes up and says ¨i’m going¨.
No discussion. No invitation. Just an ¨im going¨.
I was devastated, and angry, and jealous, and hurt, and finally after all the cool kids left the dock to live their best boat lives, I was alone.
I sat on the dock watching my kids and my partners second cousin play. Trying to sort through all the feelings rolling around in my body.
From sadness to anger and jealousy to shame they fought for any chance to be seen.
The boat was gone for a few hours, enough time for me to sort all that I was feeling into words that I could share. But without alone time and space to really dive into my depths, when my partner came back I couldn’t look him in the eye. When he said that they had taken forever and gone all over the lakes my snide comment was ¨lucky you¨.
I was close to tears for the rest of the night. Stuck in someone else’s house at someone else’s party I felt like I couldn’t make a scene and ruin the night..my conditioning shining through-my feelings were not valid.
It took until the next day(today) to have the time and space to really chat with my partner and let him know everything that had gone on.
Here is what I went through:
I was angry I wanted to be on the boat with all the cousins living my boat dreams, I felt left out
I was upset my partner left me alone with people i had met 2 days before
My partner desires to be ¨dad¨ in my kids life but then when a parenting situation comes up he peaces out instead of choosing to play the ¨dad¨ role and have a child care conversation
There was no discussion about him leaving he just left
After feeling all these things i felt ashamed that i felt them.. they are his cousins and his family after all
In the end I really needed to have a conversation. I’m not one that can leave shit on the burner to stink. I need to have words about it. If I do not, I am not the best me. There is avoidance, aggression, and overall shitiness when I am not clear about what I am feeling.
But even before having a conversation you need to have time to FEEL all the things.
Back in the old days, with my last partner, I would have:
-started drinking to hide my feelings
-held all my feelings inside, letting them fester, and pretending like nothing was wrong
-been too ashamed to state my shame
-dismissed my feelings and acted fine to my partner or even more popular- been really shitty to him and not tell him why
Ladies, it is ok to feel what you feel when you feel it.
And
You do not a gad damn reason why.
All of you is welcome. All that you feel has been felt before.
All of you is waiting to be acknowledged and felt
You got this
Sending you the vibes,
-Jessica
