Distrustful Her
I have found my way back to women, womvn, womxn, womban..however you desire to say her.
After many years of seeing my sisters as the enemy, I can now see them as they are. In the same silly game that I was in.
I just finished reading The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf. Most of this blog post is based on what I learned.
Pitted against each other, we have been led to believe another woman is the other woman. Out to claim our beauty, our men, and our place in society.
Through mass marketing we learned what beauty was. We learned how to compare ourselves to other women. We learned that the beautiful women is the sworn enemy to our livelihood.
We also learned that to be beautiful we must be a certain way. To this day mass marketing and social media claims its right to define beauty.
In reality all this was done to control us and to create rifts between us. Because when women gather there is a felt sense of power in the air. We are better together. We are more.
I had lots of girl friends as a pre teen.
As I grew, sometime after puberty, relationships with girls started decaying and losing luster.
Then I went in the other direction and mostly had dude friends. Guys that I didn’t have to compare myself to or worry about competing for.
I had lots of different phases of friendships as I entered and continued on through adulthood. Here are a few memorable moments that come to mind
with my baby daddy ex we went to a house concert, I was 19. He introduced me to a woman and I came out with the snottiest attitude, then demanded to leave. There was extreme amounts of distrust and unease with his having other female relationships
going through YTT(yoga teacher training), surrounded by women, I felt out of place and unable to create any lasting friendships
when my kids were really young I sought out mothers groups to find friends, but I would always get itchy thinking about going on a playdate and listening to them talk about their kids the whole time, so I stopped trying to make mom friends
recently at Disneyland I got triggered by all the females in tight yoga shorts and accused my partner of staring and ogling at all the women
when both my kids started school I had this overwhelming feeling like nobody wanted to hang out with me because they never called or texted
I have learned ALOT about my patterns concerning friendships. I had to go all the way to my darkest places to find my trust in women.
One thing I have always recognized is that women are beautiful sensuous creatures, and I love looking at them. I appreciate all the curves and lines that make a woman unique in her beauty. I just couldn’t allow myself the pleasure to appreciate a body that was competing with mine. But in the end it was me in my own uncomfortable competition. A competition that kept me small, conniving, and bitter.
I started making contact first. Making plans, sending texts, and calls. Instead of waiting for a friend to contact me, I became the initiator. And you know what? Some women still don’t put in the effort and that just means they are not my people. My people feel my energy and desire to connect and create friendships.
Some relationships are just not meant to be. As I change and grow as a be-ing my real sisters stick with me. My people are drawn to me.
I still get triggered around certain situations and women but I can recognize if my ego is taking the lead. I can see a beautiful woman and accept her as being in the same patriarchal society that i am in. I can soften into knowing the beauty myth may have its hold on her as it did on me.
These days I seek women out. They are luscious and full of spirit. They have secret worlds that I deeply desire to uncover and hold space for.
My coaching has brought me in contact with women who go through the same things that I have. Women who arent perfect all the time, women who cant keep up with the cleaning and don’t really care to, women who at times stretch themselves too thin, ones who push their bodies for the sake of what they have been told beauty is, ones who hold trauma, women with guilt, secret desires, and untamed sexuality, women who blame their bodies, women that ache and hurt.
I know their pain and their sorrow and I see their brilliance. I see that shame has a destructive quality on a life. I see their essence waiting to be seen and heard.
I see you.
You have the pleasure of deciding what beauty means to you and for you.
You have an opportunity to lift other women up instead of playing the game that was created out of the need to keep you small and separate.
We are all in this together ladies. So next time you start talking shit about another female behind her back, ask yourself where is this coming from? am I threatened? am I not secure in who I am as a woman? who benefits when I continue to play the patriarchal games? who am I to place judgement on a fellow sister? where is my injury? what do I need to heal in order to love a fellow female?
Do the deep questioning, and if you need guidance give me a shout
